Situation – A Scripted Comedy

This piece of writing was the piece I had to write to join the Noxcrew.

Kris: … and then the barman said, “Why the long face!” Hahahah. Get it? He’s a horse, so he has a long fa-
Lars: I got the joke… it just wasn’t funny.
Kris: Well I’m SORRY for trying to make this job more amusing.
Lars: Kris, no offence, but I’d rather you just didn’t talk at all.
Kris: *hmphh*
(The scene is beautiful, large mountains overlook the medieval town of Lampton. The two guards stand outside the gate to the town, holding a sword and shield in their hands.)
Kris: Hey Lars, can you see that thi-
Lars: Shut your mouth Kris. I thought I told you to be quiet?
Kris: Lars! Look! Is that a m-
Lars: Is that a what?
Kris: Stop interrupting m-
Lars: What did you just say? Sorry, the hearing’s acting up a bit.
Kris: (shouting) IS THAT A MAN OVER THERE?
(Kris points at a figure on the horizon)
Lars: Is that a lamb over there? No, I think your eyes are playing tricks on you.
Kris: A funny fact about lambs. Did you know that the average lamb has three h- What am I saying…? Lars, someone’s coming up the path to the town.
Lars: Oh! I see them now. Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
Kris: I- Don’t worry Lars.
(The man arrives, tired and panting heavily. He tries to start muttering something but the guards’ just look at him suspiciously. )
Man: (Panting heavily) I… I need… I need to… enter the town.
Lars: You need to enter the town? Well we can’t let you do that unless you provide suitable identification.
Man: Identification? Who carries identification with them?
Kris: Well… why are you panting so heavily?
(The man is almost collapsed on the floor; Kris glances at Lars and then walks towards the wall of the castle)
Man: I… have come back from… err… travels.
(Kris walks back over to the other two, with a sheet of tattered paper in his hands)
Kris: You. You’re Marc L’Orretté. You murdered seven people a few weeks ago.
(Kris holds up a piece of paper, it has an artist’s impression-drawing, which looks exactly like the man standing before the two guards. It reads, “Have you seen this man? Marc L’Orretté, 32, English. BOUNTY: £400”)
Man: That’s… well… not me! Yes, that’s not me.
Kris: It looks exactly like you… and what’s in that sack over your shoulder?
Man: Well, it’s my… identical twin brother.
(The man holds up the sack.)
Man: This? Oh it’s just potatoes.
Lars: Wait a minute… why would you need to run back ‘ere with a sack of potatoes.
Man: Gazelles.
Lars and Kris: Gazelles?
Man: Yes, BIG, ANGRY Gazelles.
Lars: I’ve never, in all my life, seen a Gazelle in this part of the country. Maybe in Yorkshire… but not here.
Kris: Yorkshire? Why would there be Gazelles in Yorkshire? That’s propostero- WE really need to stop getting distracted.
Lars: Too right. So, you went travelling, to get potatoes, whilst there was a high bounty on your identical twin brother, until you got attacked by a wild Gazelle and had to run here?
Man: Yes.
Kris: Well if that’s true… we better go let you in the town. We can’t be doing with Gazelles ending up here!
Man: Thank you… I… appreciate it.
(Just then, a man appears on the top of the town wall. He is dressed in armour and holds a sword and shield, just like the guards. )
Kris: Mikel! You have news?
(The man starts to creep into the towns open gate.)
Mikel: Yes I do! There have been more murders and thievery! This time, it was in a nearby town. The local folk reckon that it was that L’Orretté bloke.
(Kris notices the man just about to enter the town)
Kris: Your brother has been up to no good again!
Lars: Hey Kris…
Kris: Not right now Lars, we have to make sure that our friend gets into the town alright.
Lars: Mikel said that the crimes included thievery.
Kris: And?
Lars: (Whispering) What if Marc L’Orretté doesn’t HAVE a twin brother.
(Kris stares at Lars expectantly)
Lars: And he is Marc L’Orretté!
(The man turns around and instead of going into the town, runs away into the horizon.)
Kris: See, this is what happens when I am left to do ridiculous jobs like this.
(Kris and Lars close the gate and resume their normal posts.)

Hope You Enjoyed,

CynicalSurvivor

 

Looking for a new Podcast to listen to? Want some QUALITY entertainment? Then check out the Sound The Alarm Podcast.

 

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